Thread:ChromastoneandTabby/@comment-4952704-20151204115730/@comment-1824169-20151204162236

As far as the plot goes, I don't think I have much feedback so far. It seems pretty well thought out, and I really only have one question; specifically, why is Melody Sif's friend? Did they know each other before he was totally nutso, or what?

I guess another thing I could bring up is the scene you mentioned with the robber. You mentioned that this would be more of a comedy, and with darker comedies, having fast-paced humor is essential. That way, the audience doesn't have time ot really think about it and can just laugh at it. For example, if I were to rewrite the scene, it might look something like this:

(Thug): *shaking* "A-Are you going to kill me?"

(Sif): *ominously* "You think I'd let you off that easy? No. I've got a better idea. Every moment of every day, every time you wake up, go to sleep, use the bathroom, do whatever, I'll be there, watching over you like the grim reaper, driving you further and further into paranoia until you finally beg for the sweet release of death, after which I'll look down upon you with a great big smile and say...'No'."

(Thug) "R-really?"

(Sif): "Nah, I'm just gonna shoot ya."

*Shoots him*

With that scenario, you have contrast humor, shock humor, and a bit of repetition humor culminating in the punchline. You can then just move on to the rest of the plot before the audience starts analyzing it.

I would also recommend refraining from using the word 'edgy' unless someone in your story uses it as an insult, even if you're using the term ironically. Most people these days automatically cringe upon seeing the word in any context, so try to minimize the usage in the story itself.

As for the art request, that might take a while, as I already have a bunch of requests to take care of and an RPG to make, but I'll try and get some quality stuff out for you as soon as possible.